saichuu 最中

Goodbye Blogger

2011-05-26T18:55:00.002+08:00

I'm moving forward. Thank you for those who have at least once in their life checked out this blog. Thank you so much.

I am now on SAICHUU. :)

Seed

2011-03-14T11:55:00.003+08:00

Movement, like blood through the veins
Dreams, like lovers tonight on fire
And to carry on towards the light
Marry plights making music with lyre

Never alone, I'm never alone
Enchanted in this world I'll stay
And to come from long fork roads
Confused though this is the only way.

Cigars

2010-09-02T12:13:00.003+08:00

[Fiction - Copyright Jemimah Adrielle dela Rosa. 09-02-2010 - This is a snippet of a story, but can count as a whole. Ty.]

A minute past one and she knew she was waiting for nothing.

As the smoke traveled down her throat, she wondered how long it will take before it got to her heart. He'd be here, she told herself. He'd be here, she lied to herself. The world was but a distant background, and through white air lingering just in front of her face, she could see the white lies playing like being trapped in a dream.

The ash fell like soft talc powder, falling on the ground, breaking into smaller pieces than imaginable. You couldn't have put it back together, no, no you couldn't possibly put it back together to make another white soft stick. There were cigarette ends on the wood-colored floor, and the aroma crawled on her rose-washed walls.

She looked at her phone - there was nothing there- no text message waiting, not even a missed call. It was as empty as the promises made on nights when emotions rise above the brain. It was as devoid as reactions expected when all you could feel was pain and he couldn't feel any remorse. It was as devoid as the white gown she was wearing because she took out all of the diamond beads sewn.

She began to dial his number - but if if I did, what's the point? Would he even answer? She remembered the times when he couldn't last an hour without checking up on her- yes, the irony of what time can do to love and life. She hung up.

But if time was the culprit, why does she feel the same? Why does the fire burn through her lungs screaming, begging, praying for his love? How is it that time is only in favor pain, while the world only watches as each heart breaks?

She lit up another cigarette and began to choke on her second puff. How long has she been doing this? An hour? Three hours? One whole night? She couldn't recall how many sticks have touched her now dry lips. For someone who just started smoking, it must have been a feat to smoke this much.

What has plunged them into this mess hole is something she has yet to figure out. She has done all she could, loved without regrets, embraced without hesitation.

"I'm not ready," he told her a day before.

She inhaled from the stick and felt the menthol-flavored air run down her throat, and she exhaled it nonchalanty as the smoke began to dim her sight just as her tears do.

When the tears on her eyes finally held back - she stared at the white soft stick wasting away. She felt it between her fingers- that angelic white wrapper embracing brown poison inside, topped off with soft cotton-like filter that take away the years of your life.

Shadow

2010-08-04T21:31:00.001+08:00

‎"Like a shadow, you keep following- with the angles of the light thrown you only grow bigger. And if I turn the lights off, the darkness will saturate me, but if I keep it on, your presence lingers."

...

2010-03-15T18:48:00.000+08:00

You know why it’s easier to write when you’re heartbroken than when you’re happy? It’s because joy can never be fully put into words, like as though our hearts are cups that overflow. Whereas with pain, we know it’s something we can put in the palm of our hands, and eventually let go of someday. :)

Thought of the Day

2010-03-15T18:22:00.001+08:00

However much we are compared to someone will not make us any less of a person. Those who compare us, however, are less than they could ever think themselves of.

-My thoughts, on those who continually put me down. Someday, I'll rise up. And it won't be so I can slap it to your face, it'll be because I have a God who have prepared something big for me.

On Crossroads...

2009-12-16T20:31:00.000+08:00

"Find what you are looking for, but not at the expense of hurting people amidst your confusion and search."

Just A Thought

2009-10-14T19:12:00.001+08:00

The reason for most heartaches is simple- there aren't a lot of men in the world. Most of them stay as boys.

2009-10-08T15:44:00.000+08:00

2009-10-08T15:43:00.000+08:00

In fiction, irony is a lovely thing. In life, it's the hazy line between yes and no- it's confusion.

2009-09-29T16:50:00.003+08:00

And the hands I’ve seen raised to the sky

Not waving but drowning all this time

I'll try to build an ark that they need

To float to you upon the crystal sea

-Love Alone, Caedmon's Call

Just Like New

2009-09-24T20:24:00.004+08:00

I think we all have a penchant for new things. I would even go as far as to say people like new slates- in work, in the people they meet, in the things they have, in life in general.

My penchant for new things start where my eyes light up in recognition but end where my puny savings limit me. I like new things, but I'm generally very nostalgic and I like holding on to things no matter how old or useless they already are to me. I'm the kind who keep decade-old letters and notes written on tissue paper, carefully tucked away in my plastic chestbox. I even keep candy wrappers that signified special days.

I like things for keep, and people for keeps, too.

So imagine how my world turned upside down, shaken to the core, thrown from its usual timeline when the Lord told me it's time to let go of several people in my life. It's been a hard process, and a lot of times, I kept looking back (being nostalgic that I am). It was like I was walking but my eyes were on the road I've walked past on. And I thought moving on, that starting anew, meant replacing the people who've walked away from my life.

But no, it isn't about replacement. Starting on a new slate doesn't mean new things, it just means paradigm shift.

I have not tried to replace the people I've lost. I am thankful for the new people I meet and for the new people that the Lord is allowing me to meet, but they have not replaced those I've lost. Perhaps it's because I don't seek to replace, but mostly because I am contented where God has placed me right now. It's still a rough road, but I know Who drives my life towards a new and better place.

I may be alone but I feel all the love I can feel- His love always satisfies. And as the days go by, I realize that the only factor we need to start anew is to know it's His love that will enable us to do so. :)

2009-09-23T15:21:00.000+08:00

The past cannot continue to hurt us unless we allow it to. That’s why it’s called the past, it was meant to be put behind and not to carry still. :)

I've taken one step today..

2009-09-22T21:30:00.001+08:00

If you've taken one step forward, it only means you can go the whole way.

A point-of-view on love..

2009-09-22T20:46:00.002+08:00

Cassie: You remember when you rode with me in the ambulance?
Jal: Of course
Cassie: Thats what love feels like…

Cassie and Jal, SKINS

—-

Love is when you hold that person’s hand thinking it might be the last time you will, regardless of how stupid and crazy she is. :)

>>

2009-09-20T12:54:00.003+08:00

Live, Jem. Live.
-N.L., on the countless times I looked back.

Philippians 3:13 - But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead.

Lovin This Song: Cold As You

2009-09-17T08:41:00.002+08:00

You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take, you take the very best of me
So I start a fight cause I need to feel something
And you do what you want cause I'm not what you wanted

...And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You never did give a damn thing honey but I cried, cried for you
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died, died for you

Cold As You, Taylor Swift

Can relate lang..

:)

2009-07-15T08:50:00.001+08:00

Lord, I will be the best I can be, not because I'm preparing myself for the best man You are going to give me. Right about now, the best man doesn't really matter. I want to be the best I can be for You, simply because You deserve the best and nothing less. :)

Of Wheels and Faith

2009-07-15T08:12:00.004+08:00

I've never really been much scared of death. I can cross the street with cars still moving on both directions, and I have more than once experienced almost being run over by a motorcycle, but not for once have I felt blood rush through my veins and my heart thump so fast, that I just looked at the drivers of the motorcyles and raise an eyebrow at them.

Death (my death) to me, is not taboo but I've never really given much thought as to when I would die, how I would die, or who I would die in the arms of. Of course, I know that I would always die in the hands of my Savior, and at that time, death would not be a lost but a gain. But I haven't given much thought to who (human) would be there if I died, who would have held my hand for the last time, be near me through my last breath.

And perhaps, it's because I'm sure that death would come as surely, and when I've reached that point, I'm not fearful because I know that I've been assured of eternal life.

What I fear about, mostly, is being left behind by the important people who die before me, or simply those who leave my life. It's not because I'm scared of the sorrow, if it's pain we're talking about, I pretty much have a long threshold for it.

It's mostly because no matter how much you love someone, it is not in your hands if they will stay. And perhaps that the scary part, loving and not knowing when you're gonna have to learn to stop loving. It's like tradition, so hard to unlearn until it becomes so obsolete, it just doesn't make sense anymore.

God decides who go in and out of our lives. He decides who will stay, He decides when it's time for people to take a different road, different from the ones we're walking on. When it's time to let go of someone, I've learnt that it's not because God simply wants to cause you sorrow, it's because that person has served his/her purpose of helping mold who you are and it's time for someone else new to help you grow.

While undoubtedly, being left behind is not something so easily sugar-coated, in due time, I think the feeling of being thankful when we look back is also undoubtful.

The Lord ultimately plans our life, He acts on behalf of those who wait for Him (Isaiah 64:4). If there are people He plucks out of your life, trust that He knows what He's doing. It's never your loss, because God completes whatever hole there is in your life. He may bring back people in your life again, He may not. If He doesn't, it's always because there are better people He'll put in your life. The important thing is to trust Him.

Isn't it wonderful that Someone who loves us SO MUCH acts on our behalf? Trust in His love, He has NEVER failed.

On the Dot

2009-07-10T08:19:00.007+08:00

Thank God for slippers, otherwise I'd be running 5 blocks (yes, five!) in stillets. And at least God answered my prayer when I asked that I arrive on time, even though it was my fault I left home late already (talk about undeserved favor, haha). While of course I'm coughing like crazy again, thank God for an answered prayer, even for little things like this.

Makes me remember the story of Esther that I read last night (which I read until midnight, if I might add), how God placed His favor on her and on Mordecai, that He granted their requests, no matter what the requests were, little or big. I prayed that I would recieve the same favor from God. :)

That story also coincides with my verse for the day:

Romans 8: 37-- In all these things, we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.

Whether big or small, God's favor is upon us because we are His children, and He loves us. :)

Verse for the Day

2009-07-09T08:30:00.005+08:00

In Don Moen's classic song, he said "Lord, You seem so far away, a million miles or more it seems today. And though I haven't lost my faith, I must confess right now that it's hard for me to pray..."

Lord, you have my heart, and I will search for Yours..

He was honest that sometimes, we come that point in our lives that we know God exists- He loves us, He cares for us, and He has beautiful plans for us- but because we are human, bound to see the black speck on a large white cloth, we cannot help but feel like our Father is so far away.

Yet also, Don Moen, in the same song, acknowledges God's presence despite the storm:

But I don't know what to say and

I don't know where to start

But as you give the grace

with all that's in my heart

I will sing, I will praise

even in my darkest time

through the sorrow and the pain

I will sing. I will praise

Lift my hands to honor You

because Your word is true.

This morning, I asked God in prayer, why He just seems so far away. As I told God that I really do want to worship Him, to praise Him, to come to Him, I can't do so wholeheartedly because my heart is heavy. So I ask Him, how Lord? How do I come to You with all the baggages that pull me down?

Then I remember how someone in the Bible asked Jesus to heal His unbelief. Don Moen was right, even when we come to Him, it takes His grace. So no matter how heavy my heart is, I can speak to Him because He will give the grace for me to do so, a grace which is always sufficient.

So today, I claim God's promise in Genesis 28:15:

I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go and I will bring you back to land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.

And if you don't know yet, God promised us eternity. :)

Bucket

2009-07-08T20:26:00.005+08:00

I asked God why. I wanted to cry more, to drain myself out until I am sure that I have used up all the fluid it would take for my tears to pour--

then God sent rain tonight.

I could call up my friends, and cry to them over the phone, but none of them would have understood the gravity of the pain I'm going through. I have heard all the most beautiful and ideal advices I can hear, enough to last me a life time, but none of it has ever alleviated the intensity of the pain that I feel.

It hurts to find out. I told myself that I would have to prepare myself eventually, that he would have someone new in his life. It's not hard to love him. I told myself, that I would have to condition my mind that he has feelings for someone else right now. I don't know if it's being reciprocated by the other girl, but that does not change the fact, that I am completely out of the picture.

I said I was gonna be happy for him, and believe you me, I am rummaging through my heart like a little kid raiding a refrigirator looking for doughnuts- so much intensity to want to feel the happiness for him that I told him i would feel- but there's no silverlining inside me. Just a cracked lining on the edge of an empty mug.

So now, I'm grieving, and burying the hope that I thought I should possess. Funny how God cried with me today- I feel so lonely, but I dont know who to turn to. So then God, out of the night blue sky, opened the heavens and let the rain pour. He was crying with me. He said I'm not alone, and I could grieve all I want, because in the morning He will turn my mourning into dancing.

I take a step forward now, leaving the suspended animation I have resigned myself to for the past weeks.

Lord, You've always been in control. I wipe my tears tonight with so much bitterness, but I know Your hands are cupped below my chin, catching every tear drop falling.

Matthew 26:39 --- [...] My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken away from me. Yet not as I will, but as You will...

Verse For The Day

2009-07-08T08:18:00.002+08:00

Never be lacking in zeal,

but keep your spiritual fervor,

serving the Lord.

Be joyful in hope,

patient in affliction,

faitfhful in prayer.

Romans 12:11-12

Lord, it's so hard to do the last 3 lines. But let me be able to do so, through You. :)

The Cost of Trusting

2009-06-29T20:18:00.004+08:00

Not everyone will equate the word "trust" with "pain".

Most of the time, people arrive at the point of trusting when there is nothing much they can do, when they've gone through so much pain already and they are at the edge of defeat- the last resort. To these people, trust is equated to the relief from pain. A man who who suffers from a terminal ill may at first seek all the medical attention he needs to alleviate the physical suffering, but when He succumbs to the worst possible scenario, he will fall to his knees and lift it up to God. The same can be said for a boss, who turns over a responsibility to his subordinate, trusting another person to a job that he doesn't have to do for himself.

It's not always that we entrust something because trusting is a painful process, but because trusting is by definition, on a lighter scale, giving up something that bothers you to someone who can handle it.

But I don't even fall into that category anymore.

Truth is, it's painful for me to trust.

To give up something I want to really take into my own hands- that to me, hurts. Not because I don't think I will be giving it up to someone Who can do better, but because I know that if I took matters into my own hands, I would probably not like the outcome.

I know, I know, it's rather confusing. I confuse myself, too. It's painful to trust because there are a lot of things I want to do, but I know part of trusting is to give up those things, too. The Lord trully is teching me so many things, and I guess part of Him teaching me means giving me a spank.

I'm still broken, and sometimes I think about revenge. And then I think about how I lifted up my concerns to God already, and trust that He will fight for me, I need only be still. It hurts to trust at this point because a large part of me just wants to take matters into my own hands and deliver that blow to the people who've caused me pain.

But that is not what God has intended in my life. I know that everything I've gone through and I'm going through has a purpose, and it's not for me to plummet down deep where I can rise up no more.

The Lord's plans are beautiful, and if there is pain along the way, it's because it's necessary for me to grow and be prepared for that beautiful plan.

You can ask me how I am, and truth is, I'm not sure how I'm gonna answer you. Being too honest has done a lot of harm to me, as a normal observer would put it. But here's the truth: I'm not okay, but I'm also not buried in my grief.

My mentor told me that I should trust in what God has plan for me. I did, but trusting is not an easy process. For my part, I feel pain, for reasons I cannot even comprehend. But I choose to trust, not because I have to, but because I want to. To trust God is a primary choice, not the last resort.

Because I know God is faithful, and when you entrust something to Him, no matter what it costs you, You will always end up a winner because God is a God of victory. In the near future, I know that when I think about "trust", I will always equate it to "thanksgiving", because God loves us so much He is willing to lift up the heavy weight on our shoulders.

Job 5:8-9 --- But as for me, I would seek God, and to God I will commit my cause, who does great things, and unsearcheable marvelous things without number.

Whatever happened to Katrina Halili?

2009-05-22T21:43:00.004+08:00

I flipped through the television and was hoping I could watch a Gossip Girl re-run on cable tv only to find myself glued to the showbiz news about Katrina Halili and Dr. Hayden Kho (or maybe I should strip him off the title, since I also think he is a disgrace to the medical profession).

For those of you who don't know yet (I don't blame you, I found out about it a week or so after the news broke out since I haven't been watching TV), but Katrina Halili and Hayden Kho have found themselves entangled in a video scandal of them having sex, which apparently has been allegedly "stolen" or leaked by a friend of Kho, Eric Chua.

I don't know much about the details, and frankly, I am only interested because I find that Katrina Halili is one of the very few great actresses in the Filipino tube. I think that this controversy is gonna ruin her career, sad to say but hopefully I'm wrong, people might look past her talent as an actress but look down on her for even being linked to a man who's in a relationship.

Not surprisingly, it has gotten the goverment to jump out of its feet and scramble to legislations and laws and related issues and has gotten the country looking through the issue as something very relevant as opposed to the many issues we have but haven't been looked into as quickly as they did with the sex scandal of the said personalities.

I would have to applaud Katrina for this part, because she was brave enough to fight it despite the humiliation and despite that this will cost her her career. It had to take someone as popular as her to bring the government to its feet that this issue of people leaking sex video scandals over the internet isn't something vain or even small to just ignore. It's an outright abuse of women.

Some people will say it wasn't the guy's fault because the woman agreed to have sex with him or probably also initiated it- but I think it is a violation of the right of the woman to have it video taped, and even leaked, both without her consent.

And it had to cost Katrina her life and career for the government to even bother looking into the issue.

As for Hayden, considering he was even texting Katrina's road manager for Katrina to seek spiritual help after what he has done- how hyprocritical can one get? He was the one who video-taped Katrina without her consent, and he was probably even the one who leaked it, and he would go on to fool someone he is actually concerned? How foolish does he think women are?

It burns me, when I think about it, how men violate women just for their personal pleasures.

I Almost Felt Freedom

2009-05-11T09:44:00.001+08:00

It was one of those few moments when I felt that I was above my emotions, that I have conquered it, and that I can move forward.

And I think to myself that I am strong. I can do this. I can make it.

Cradle of Love

2009-03-25T16:19:00.004+08:00

Another poem I made, written last February 22, 2008. I wrote this on my diary first, and I realize I'd like to share it online. :) I hope someday I can turn this into a song.

---

My heart grows weary

My strength now fails me

I feel I'm walking blindly

And I stumble unceasingly

Feeling like You're far away

My spirit faints day by day

Yet somehow You remind me

You hold me so faithfully

When hope's out of sight

And nothing feels right

I'm reminded of Your plans

You said in Your word more than once

You promised the best for me

To bless me so fruitfully

You prepare great things for me

Better than I thought I could be

Lord, I trust in You

That I am tailormade for the best

Lord, my hope is in You

For me, You want what's best

Lord, You hold me in Your hands

And in the melody of Your love we dance

You will never fall out of love

Until the end of times, You're all I have

You will never let me go

Faithful You are, and You love me so

With You, forever is true

In Your cradle of love, hope shines anew

When Your Dwelling Place is God

2009-03-25T16:03:00.002+08:00

Sometimes (or often times, depending on which point in my life I'm talking about), when I feel so down, depressed, and my heart beats like the durmming of a thousand horses' feet racing, I sit beside my bed and cry my heart out to God. The Bible says, after all, that we should pour out our hearts to God because He hears us.

And that's basically what I do. After I tell God everything, and sometimes, although I know God listens, I feel I'm still hopeless, the only thing that there is left to say is "I love you, God."

No, it's not something I consciously just say, it's something I find myself saying and when I think about it now, I realize what God is trying to tell me.

When you love God, and when you trust in His unfailing love, He will restore you.

Our love is nothing compared to God's compassion and grace, but as a child, when you're on the verge of giving up, remember that when your love fails, God's love do not.

You can be broken, but God restores. All you have to do is trust Him. :) And I can say this is true in my life, because God is restoring me once again. I'm not gonna say He's finished, there are a lot of things that might still happen. But I'm gonna follow God wholly, because I know that He would never leave me. :)

Song: Dwelling Places, Hillsong

It's What The Lord Has Done For Me

2009-03-23T17:02:00.001+08:00

When you put Your trust in the Lord, He does miracles.

When you stop putting things into your own hands and you let God reign, things fall into place.

Keep praying, keep praying. The Lord never sleeps. :)

The Lord is God

2009-03-20T08:58:00.003+08:00

Just a little reminder for me, from Hillsong's Still.

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I WILL SOAR WITH YOU ABOVE THE STORM
Father You are King over the throne
I WILL BE STILL, AND KNOW YOU'RE GOD

I was searching for serenity, and I realized the only way to attain it is to know that God reigns and I should trust in Him because He knows what He is doing.

Jeremiah 29:11 says that the Lord has plans to prosper me, not only in the physical and financial sense, but also in intangible things such as emotional and spiritual.

It's pleasing to know that God is the frontliner in my battle, my battle is now His to conquer and win. :)

Vintage Me

2009-03-18T12:21:00.005+08:00

So you have something to laugh about. Haha.

That was taken around 3 years ago. :) Go ahead, laugh.

I Thought

2009-02-16T16:22:00.001+08:00

Your eyes were the eyes I thought I’d look at forever
Your lips were the lips I thought I’d always kiss
Your hands were the hands I thought I couldn’t let go
All the while, I thought you were an answered wish

Don’t deny, don’t deny, you said I was the best
You know, you know, I’m incomparable
Don’t deny, don’t deny, I did all I could
You know, you know, my love was unquestionable

Yet you hurt me, torn me, treat me like I wronged you
Made me feel like I wasn’t deserving of you
Yet we both know what’s true, what’s true
Is that you… you’d never find someone who’ll love you like I do

Your smile was the smile I thought I’d always fall for
Those people loved you but I loved you the most
Your face was the face I thought I’d always dream of
Yes, my love was something I know I could boast

Don’t deny, don’t deny, I’m the one who knows you
You know, you know, no one knows you better
Don’t deny, don’t deny, I loved you so much
You know, you know, all you had to do was savor

Yet you hurt me, torn me, treat me like I wronged you
Made me feel like I wasn’t deserving of you
Yet we both know what’s true, what’s true
Is that you… you’d never find someone who’ll love you like I do

So you can go and tell them a different story
But at the end of the day, I know
You’ll look at yourself in the mirror say
“Yes, it’s true, she loves me so.”

Don’t deny, don’t deny, I’m the one who knows you
You know, you know, no one knows you better
Don’t deny, don’t deny, I loved you so much
You know, you know, all you had to do was savor

Yet you hurt me, torn me, treat me like I wronged you
Made me feel like I wasn’t deserving of you
Yet we both know what’s true, what’s true
Is that you… you’d never find someone who’ll love you like I do

Moving On

2009-02-11T16:30:00.003+08:00

Can't believe I'll ever feel this
Yet I'm glad you brought me to this path
I've had enough of you in my life
Now, I no longer fear the aftermath

You said goodbye first, didnt you
And you thought I couldnt go on without you
You thought I can't start anew
Well let me tell you, I'm leaving you

You said I loved you too much
No, I didn't, I just loved you enough
But if you didnt want that, tell you what
I'm glad coz you dont deserve such.

If you think I'm going to run after you
I think maybe you're dreaming
I loved you but you don't deserve it
Now I'm glad I'm finally leaving

Goodbye, I'm finally moving on
I can do without you in my future
It was my choice to love you
But now walking away is my cure.

I don't need you in my life anymore

Did you think you were my everything?

So I'm turning my back from you

Coz I've had enough of you lying

I'm moving on, I'm glad I am

No more of you in my world

If I've said before I want to try

Those wore just words

Coz now I'm saying.. GOODBYE! :)

Walking Towards The Sunrise

2009-02-09T12:20:00.004+08:00

We set out to walk before dawn, when the cricket start to hush and fall back into their slumber during the day, and when the roosters stretch their voices to heavens and break the silence of the night.

Angelo fetched me at my great grandfather’s house, at around five-thirty in the morning. “The breeze is perfect at that hour, still cold, yet you can already somehow feel the warmth of the sun…” he told me the night before.

We started to walk in silence. I could only hear our feet scraping the once muddy but now cemented road. “Where to?” I asked him. I had to break the silence.

“To the shore. By this time, you can smell the sea in its freshest-“

“freshest state because its smell was sealed during the coldness of the night and the sun is only beginning to heat it up again and release it in the air…” I looked up at him and smiled. “I know. I know.” He didn’t smile back.

We already walked past four houses and only a few more to go, for it wasn’t much of a long walk to the sea shore. We would get there in time for the sunrise.

“Are you sure… I mean, you know.” Angelo said in a hushed voice. It could be the cold wind breaking his voice, but I was certain, for he was always this way.

“Yes. I’ve thought about it for a long time.”

“How long?”

“Since I came to study in Manila.”

“Does Manila change people?”

“Why, have I change?”

“You certainly did.”

I opened my mouth to say something but could not. It must be the chilly wind. We continued to walk, passing one house after another. I kept staring at the cement road, waiting for the rocky road to appear.

“It’s not that I have changed. I just… added a few things in my life.” I said.

“It’s the same thing. You add sugar to coffee and it changes the taste,” He muttered, his eyes focused at the road in front of us.

I looked around and smiled at the progression of Dario, Catanduanes, a once-remote island. Four years ago, before I went to Manila for high school, there was no electricity. When I came back from vacation, I saw that all the houses have white fluorescent lights instead of gas lamps. When I returned for vacation the second time, the people were already watching local cable shows. And at the third time, there was already a tower near the capital and people could already use telephones or cellular phones.

And now I am back again.

“We’re almost there. You can see that rocky road just where the cement road finishes, that will lead to a-“ He broke off when I touched his arm. “You know.”
I nodded and tear rolled down my cheek. I wiped it away at once lest he think I have indeed changed.

We were now approaching the rocky road. I took off my jacket, for it was not as cold anymore. I tied it around my waist.

“Remember, when we were younger, we would race to the beach?” I told him, my voice breaking off into a hollow sound.

He laughed. “And I would always beat you, and then I would hide under the shallow waters.”

“And you would get pissed off because I never looked for you.”

“You never looked for me.”

“And I would hide myself, and you would cry looking for me.”

He laughed once more, but I thought I heard a sound of sadness with the ringing of his laughs.

We were almost at the beach. The stones decreased in number and the sand started to make their way between my toes.

When we were already at the seashore, Angelo reached for my hand. It was small, and it would have felt as though it was going to crush inside his huge palm, but instead, as he held it tight, it felt safe and warm.

We continued walking, slowly, as our feet sink into the fine white sand, stepping on seashells time and time again. We kept on walking, until I noticed that there was a shade of orange lining the horizon where the sea and the sky kiss.

It was sunrise.

“You see, it looks as though the sea is spitting out the sun, slowly and carefully, and…” Angelo whispered but trailed off when I grasped his hand a little more tightly.

“I know. I know.”

“I don’t want you to forget.”

I started to cry, but very quietly. Perhaps he wasn’t aware, because we were both drawn to the spell of the sunrise. We walked closer to the water, until the water was up to our knees.

“I’m not going to forget. I told you. I add a few things in my life, but that doesn’t erase the others.” I told him.

“I pray that it does not.”

“My dreams are there. I… I hope you understand…”

The sun was rising very slowly, showing the calmness of the sea with yellow orange. The island was a beauty in itself, but the light of the sun added splendor to it.

“It’s like you’re going to hide from me again.” He answered. We kept staring at the rising sun.

“The only difference is I know where you are.”

I bit my lip. “Will you still cry and look for me?”

“I will. I always will.”

Now the sun was half-full in its glory, already painting the firmament with the glow that gave life to all beneath it. I felt the soft waves drenching more of my legs, and I shivered.

He looks at me, and noticed that I was crying. “You’re crying.” He whispered.

I nodded.

“When you come back, and suppose I hide from you. Will you cry, or even look for me this time?” He asked me. A tear fell from the corner of his eye. He took my other hand and held it in his, waiting for me to answer.

I moved closer to him, feeling the warmth of his skin brush over mine. “Don’t hide. When we were young, I did look for you. But I always couldn’t find you…” I rested my head on his chest. “And when you were looking for me, I was hiding because I was crying…”

I felt the warmth of the sun swim together with the wind as it embraced both of us. He wrapped his arms around me, and was crying, just as he always did years ago.

“I love you,” he whispered once again.

He lightly put a finger on my lips and wiped away my tears. We faced the sun and stood in silence for a moment as we watched it finally moving to its fullness and coloring the sky with streaks of yellow and orange, making its way through the blue that was the firmament, with the clouds making way for its rays, and with the birds overlooking the island of the Catanduanes like God-sent angels watching over us as they skimmed the heavens. It appeared as though they were near the sun, and Angelo and I moved closer as if we too, could get nearer with each little step we took towards the great shinning star.

“I know. I know.” I finally said.

More tears fell down his face, and our tears glistened in the sun and fell to the salty pool wherein we stood.

Didn't See This One Coming

2009-02-05T10:28:00.005+08:00

Thought you were below
So you can catch me when I fall
Thought I was holding your hand
Turns out you weren't there at all

Loved you with much intensity
Never knew you felt different
Had no idea this space was empty
Asked myself where the love went

Don't know how I should feel
Didn't know love can make me bleed
Don't know where to go
Loving you was all I ever did

I let you be, didn't close you in
Loved you perfectly as I could
Where did I go wrong, tell me
Cry? Don't know if I should..

Didn't see this one coming
Until it hit me in the heart
All those promises you made
Now I'm nothing but torn apart

Don't know how I should feel
Didn't know love can pierce me
Left in a cloud for the longest time
Loving you took so much of me

:(

My New Affinity for Cats

2009-01-06T09:33:00.011+08:00

I was awaken by a fuzzy creature biting my foot this morning around 3.30. I did the most obvious thing anyone would have done if his slumber has been disturbed- I kicked. My mind still cloudy and still half-asleep, I thought I heard a “meow.”

And I did. Meet Bigfoot.

I never really used to like cats. When we moved into our new home, we adopted two kittens from a stray cat who liked stealing food from our dirty kitchen. I've never really given much attention to them. Sadly, when my grandpa had one of his usual dramathons (I would not like to expound), the kittens never showed up again since one Sunday morning. In case you see them, please contact us. :(

My dad got really sad when Palawan and Bohol disappeared, and so he has since adopted three stray kittens dumped in the sidewalk (they unfortunately were two weak to live), and then adopted two more kittens days after the three really small kittens died. We named them Whitefoot and Big Foot.

Whitefoot died. But Big Foot? She was too strong to give up. And she even has the courage to pick a fight with my baby Porky. Bigfoot is one hell of a brave cat for even coming in my room. My dog Porky, who sleeps with me all the time and follows me around the house like my shadow, is easily jealous.

I never really used to like cats the way I adore dogs, but our pets at home have taught me valuable lesson which I hopefully will apply this year: learn to love the unloveable (or the things/people/situation that I find hard loving).

We usually say when people fight a lot of times, they're like cat and dogs, but our pets are different. Bigfoot and Porky always fight, but they do look out for each other. I see them sleeping side by side sometimes. Porky looks for the cat when it's nowhere in sight, and Bigfoot follows Porky around as if they belong to one mother.

Hopefully, this year, I can do the same for people I don't really like, or situations I regret experiencing. There's always a good side in people (although sometimes it's impossible to see that side), and bad situations can teach me a thing or two. I won't be a hypocrite and say I love everyone around me, I don't put up with people I don't like because I think it's a waste of time, but hopefully this year, I see things and people or situations half-full and not half-empty. ;)

PS.

We have a turtle too. it doesn't have a name. it's also peculiar, i think it's the fastest turtle I've ever seen. its hobby is escaping.

PPS.

Porky scratches and Bigfoot bites. They've probably switched personalities. Lol.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

L E T M E J U S T T E L L Y O U

2008-11-24T12:25:00.002+08:00

Some people find their way to "success" (or so they would like to call it) through scheming and backstabbing people. Sadly, I've had my fair share of being backstabbed and I would like to blog about it to appease my irritation (not my anger, because she's not worth it) and hopefully, to send out a message.

I just found out that a friend whom I trusted so much lied through her teeth the whole time that I was working with her. For someone her age, that's really ridiculous, but given the kind of brain she has, I'd say I should have known because it was really obvious she was capable of that anyway.

She would say unfounded comments about me behind my back to my boss but in front of me, she would praise me. She goes to me for help, and I gladly go out of my way to do so. In front of people or behind her back, I praise her and have such high regard for her that I defend her when people attack her, but when I confront her about rumors of her saying awful stuff about me behind my back, she would flat out say that she has not said anything bad about me.

In fact, when she stole my ideas, I didnt mind. When she took the praise for my hardwork and creative thinking, i tell myself it was my help for her and wishing she would someday return my kindness to me.

But she didnt even thank me.

Her values and position in life change depending on who she's talking to, and if that person will benefit her.

But let me just say this. You can climb your way to the top by lying and hurting people and manipulating and deceiving, but ultimately, you cannot be considered a well-made person. Coz only someone who has a firm stand on life and can say that she has achieved such a high point in her life through hard work, honesty, and determination can be considered successful.

Yes, you can use your connections, it's the only thing you have anyway, aside from a lying tongue. But you are still nothing, and let me tell you, you will never be happy.

When you look at the mirror, pray hard that your lies and your scheming dont come back to you, because I'm pretty sure it will. And when it does, I won't laugh at you. I'll pity you. Because that probably the only thing you deserve.

We all have a choice. We can stand firm on our beliefs and achieve success a little slowly but surely and honestly as we enjoy every bit of it, or find our way around things by decieving people and achieveing "success" and enjoy its short-lived happiness. Ultimately, the back dorr only leads to the kitchen, but the front door leads to the rest of the wonderful things inside the house. :)

i t f e e l s s o g o o d t o h i t t h e g r o u n d

2008-11-03T17:39:00.002+08:00

it feels so good to mess up, to finally see where you've gone wrong, to know you're at the end of something, to realize you've got nothing else to lose coz you've pretty much lost everything.

it feels so good because ironically, i didnt know i was capable of hurting this much. im alive. i just need to figure out how to start living.

t h e y s a y t h e t o u g h g e t s g o i n g . . .

2008-10-27T19:00:00.002+08:00

... but the tough gets tired, too.

I'm so tired of all that's happening in my life. It's so tiring to be strong or stay strong and just fight the current, it's all just tiring.

t h i s _ j u s t _ i n

2008-10-24T12:38:00.002+08:00

please visit my online portfolio. =)

http://saichuu.multiply.com

H E Y V I S I T O R

2008-10-23T22:27:00.001+08:00

you just found me. welcome to my new space.

right about now, you probably don't know this site existed, but i'll post it over multiply later. i know this site is WAAAAYYY different from the other sites i've designed for myself. it's somewhat minimalistic.

im sleepy, gotta go. goodnight. =)